The first day of the college football season is literally 100 days away. In a little more than 2400 hours, you’ll be watching Michigan manhandle defending national champion Alabama. You’ll be watching Nick Saban openly weep on the sidelines and A.J. McCarron attempting this move to stop Jake Ryan from sacking him anymore. If that seems like a lot of time to you, then you simply don’t have enough stuff to do. Fear not, chatwolverines.com is here to give you 100 ideas for how to pass the time. I suggest quitting your job and doing one of these each day for the next hundred. Enjoy:
100. Go to the beach and show off your really sweet team-specific tattoo.
99. Confirm your status as white trash and decorate your main source of transportation with team colors, paint jobs, rims, rear-view mirror dice.
97. Participate in a bike race and try not to do this:
96. Work for baseball team as a mascot
95. Take up diving
93. Come to appreciate the game of soccer like our European brethren and those 3 people you know that talk about it like their Ruud Von Nistelroy
88. Have a couple drinks with friends
87. Give people a look into your cultural heritage
84. Go outside of your comfort zone and make new, different friends
83. Hate NATO, without a clue as to why you hate NATO
82. Make and throw a poop bomb, because you hate NATO
80. Learn to bartend
79. Learn to cook (read: put sandwich toppings onto bread)
78. Visit your grandparents
76. Start a company, get it valued at $100 billion, IPO, immediately see its value drop 35%.
74. Raise the world’s new fattest house cat. Marvel at the fact that no matter how fat the cat gets, it’s face stays the exact same plumpness.
70. Go to a baseball game, find the nearest Dodger fan and beat him within an inch of his life
68. Save up 18k to buy the queens used knickers
67. Take up golf and shoot a 55 on 18 holes
66. Incessantly stick your foot in your mouth an insult as many people in one sentence as is humanly possible
65. Follow in your father’s footsteps while looking more and more like your father daily, which sucks, because you’re a woman
63. Recreate the final scene of My Girl
60. Forget to do your job after a rain delay
59. Get yourself all freaked-out for World Goth Day
57. Hit someone in a stupid hat in the head with a golf ball
56. Play a little lacrosse and start a bench clearing brawl with the other team. Be Canadian.
49. Lose a few pounds using the same diet system as Jennifer Hudson
48. Defend the honor of your mother with a Nerf sword against the tyranny of a Papa John’s manager
46. Hit a major league home run and break part of the scoreboard
44. Get so tired of backing up Tony Romo that you go to work as a math teacher in Tacoma
43. Design a campus for a corporate giant that looks like a Nuva ring
42. Not study, so the Washington Post can continue to write awful articles like this one
41. Claim you got fired for being too hot, while not being very attractive at all
39. Create the future of vaginal rejuvenation using a Charleston chew
36. Make possible the least entertaining trailer in the history of moviedom and pay for it at the box office. I want to know why the aliens are under the water and that is absolutely all I want to know.
35. Feel really bad about getting dunked on by Caron Butler. Still sweep a series with the LA Clippers
34. Play soccer, attempt to avoid alligators
31. Try to recreate a mildly humorous Bud Light commercial
28. Try not to make a hateful remark…try really, really hard not to say something hateful…console the single lesbian affected by this
27. Stop wearing clothes that make you look like a chick, unless you’re a chick
26. Don’t be a dick
25. Use your time on the bench to create a very uninspiring, confusing, uncreative celebration for your teammates that are actually playing, make 1.5 mil+ for it
23. Make me feel old because I’ve been a coherent (relatively) sports fan for the entirety of his 15 year career
14. Become a little league umpire
11. Get as far away from these sheep as possible
4. Impress me even though I don’t like your sport
1. Eliminate Kobe Bryant from the NBA playoffs, make all the people in the world with souls happy:
That should keep you busy for the next 100 days…